ESC #7 - Belarus
A Charleston-Venus, some charming wholesomeness, and (of course) a sweet cheesecake
Ah, Belarus, that steadfast supporter of ... Vladimir Putin. A landlocked, lacklustre, Eastern European hellscape of Soviet-era residential blocks and kitsch statuary. At least, that’s the image I have of it.
So this double disqualification scandal should come as no surprise:
“On 28 May 2021, six days after the 2021 final, the EBU voted to suspend BTRC’s membership. BTRC [the Belarusian national broadcaster which participates/participated in Eurovision] was given two weeks to respond before the suspension came into effect on 11 June, but there was no public response. The broadcaster was expelled from the EBU on 1 July, therefore losing the rights to broadcast and participate in the contest. It was subsequently stated that the expulsion would last for three years, however, in late April 2024 (one month before the expiration), the EBU declared that there was “no reason to change [its] position at the current time”, thus making the suspension indefinite.”
OH MY! Or would “My sweet cheesecake!” be better? [See later!]
And, well, I don’t know if you WANT to *internet search* “Galasy ZMesta” (the “artist” whose “songs” were disqualified) at all, but if you DO, you’ll see what looks suspiciously like a greatest hits reel of Putinist propaganda.
Actually, the thing I know Belarus best for is Chernobyl. Uh, I mean Chornobyl. (Now that we know there’s a difference between Russian and Ukrainian spellings and pronunciations, we should use them whenever we can.)
“But Chornobyl’s in UKRAINE, Neil,” I hear you say, and yes, I do actually know that. I was there (in England, not in Chorbobyl, staring in dumbfounded horror at my TV screen) as an impressionable young lad in 1986 watching the worst nuclear disaster of my lifetime (to date!) unfold before my very eyes. Well, okay, what I remember is the map of the radioactive cloud spreading across Europe, reaching ever closer to Little Old England and me.
But what about Belarus? Well, in the “Chernobyl” [sic] miniseries (which was incredibly good) scientists in Minsk (Belarus) were pivotal in getting the truth out. And yes, that is honestly my fondest thought in regards to Belarus.
Apart from the MUSIC of course.
Having said that, I went into this list thinking there were SLIM PICKIN’s indeed. I could only remember ONE song, and it wasn’t a particularly good one. (Ahem, CHEESECAKE.)
But you know what they say, “Judge not lest ye be judged”.
Anyhoo, out of 17 entries (because I’m not counting the disqualifications) here is my Top Ten:
10. 2007 Koldun “Work Your Magic”
The melody starts like some kind of Bond-movie homage. He is working his “magic” with over-expressive vocals and a grimace worthy of a Bond villain.
At least he’s willing. Right?
9. 2018 Alekseev “Forever”
Shakey vocals at times, but at least with better elocution than the song in tenth position.
Will you accept this rose?
Nah, me neither.
8. 2016 Ivan “Help You Fly”
My first thought here is, “Wow, wolf CGI has come a long way in the last ten years.”
The song could be from 1985 in most other respects.
7. 2012 Litesound “We Are the Heroes”
Okay, I like the atmospheric “walk up to the mike” moment. “You’re not alone, we’re against them all” is strong criticism, but a bit VAGUE. Who are we against exactly? I’m still not sure.
These boys are trying, gamely, to be rebellious post-apocalyptic warriors, but it just doesn’t land properly. More like twenty-year-old europop. What? OH.
6. 2014 Teo “Cheesecake”
I’m here for the cheese, baby. And these guys have GOT it. In a “Rico Suave” kind of way. He’s got one thing right, though: he’s no Patrick Swayze.
THIS is the only Belarusian song I really remembered, and you can probably guess why. No? For the last decade, ANY slice of cheesecake in my household is “a slice of my/your sweet cheesecake”, depending on context, naturally. Oh, the fun we have.
5. 2019 Zena “Like It”
Well, SHE likes it. I like the catchy-kitschy chorus of this one, but not the verses. Raggaeton comes and goes, but because I really only LIKE half the song, I can’t put this any higher.
4. 2020 VAL “Da vidna”
I really appreciate that this is sung in Belarusian. The melody is catchy, and VAL can sing (and dance) but there are a few bits that throw me off the beat, somehow. The video is from the Belarusian selection show, potentially called “Eurofest Belarus 2020”. I’m not really a Belarus aficionado. [Shrug.]
3. 2013 Alyona Lanskaya “Solayoh”
Finally, a decent song!
A Charleston-clad version of Venus coming out of a disco clamshell. What’s not to like?
2. 2015 Uzari and Maimuna “Time”
Oh, it’s THIS one!
Another common Eurovision trope is the handsome young man standing in the middle of the stage doing not much else than singing really quite well. Oh, husha-my-mouth, he’s got that nice lady-violinist to sing to.
There’s energy here, and some actual talent. I’m a little embarrassed that I said Belarus was “slim pickin’s” after seeing this one!
1. 2017 Naviband “Story of My Life”
Another one in Belarusian. Lot’s of “heys” and a few “hi-yi-ya-ya-hos”. They look like a couple celebrating their wedding day with abandon, and that is a joy to see. And to hear. Those harmonies. It’s just beautiful!
What? What is it ABOUT? What do the lyrics MEAN? I HAVE NO IDEA! But I don’t NEED to know. Do you?
Thanks for listening!
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